All’s fair in love and laser tag

Their senior member and my #1 target.

Over the weekend I attended a laser tag birthday party for a seven year-old. This was my first time playing laser tag, so I wasn’t sure what to expect.

We teamed up, five adults against six kids. Once that music started off, all your values and everything you thought you believed in went out the window. I’m not a violent person but right away I found myself strategizing how to take out the kids. I knew first I wanted to go after their tallest and strongest member. Not because he was the tallest and strongest, but because he had spent the night before kicking my ass at Mario Kart and woke me up way too early that morning. Payback was going to be mine. Or so I thought.

I got in a few good shots, but have to admit I was horrible at laser tag. I lost count of how many times I was killed. Those kids were ruthless creatures, their strategy was walk straight up to you and fire until you were dead. No fear and also no compassion. They were like little giggly robots. I guess I should have taken a lesson from them. At one point, I lowered my gun to help one of their injured soldiers and while I was wiping away his tears, two of his friends came up and fired at me until I was dead. I wish I could say that I learned my lesson and that was the last time I fell victim to their ruthlessness. But later in the battle, one of the kids approached me because his gun kept locking up. When he handed me his gun (what trust!) I should have ran with it. Instead I stood there trying to help, making myself an open target. Within seconds I was surrounded by kids, all of them with their guns pointed right at me. Before I could even react, I was dead… again.

In the end, the kids won. But next time I’ll learn from my mistakes. I’ll ignore their tears and pleas for help. I will take them out and laugh in their cute little faces. Then when it’s all over I’ll probably buy them ice cream to make up for it.

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The Courtesy Wave… hello?!

You're welcome.

On my way into work the other day I saw a car in the next lane over with its blinker going off, a clear desperate plea to be allowed over into the turning lane. I slowed down enough to allow my fellow motorist to pass over into my lane. Then I looked at driver and waited for it. Waited for what I call the “courtesy wave” and it never came.

The courtesy wave is a simple gesture to thank the other driver for allowing you to pass into their lane, or pull out into traffic. It’s simple enough to do – you don’t even have to wave, just raise your hand into the air for 1-2 seconds. It’s an easy way to say, “Hey, thanks buddy!” So why do so many drivers forgo the courtesy wave? Are they texting with their right hand? I hope not, there’s few things worse than a person who doesn’t get a courtesy wave AND texts while driving.

Once instead of getting the courtesy wave, the driver in the other car threw me a peace sign. How cool is that? I had to do a double check and make sure it wasn’t Fonzie behind the wheel. After that I made a mental note to try and replace my wave with a peace sign, but the one time I did it I felt like complete dork. So maybe we’re not all cool enough to pull off the courtesy peace sign, but there’s no reason we can’t all adopt the courtesy wave.

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15 items or less.. what does this mean?!

Count your groceries!

I always thought the express lines at the grocery store were pretty self-explanatory. Some are 15 items or less, others are 20. Since I know how to count, this doesn’t confuse me. But apparently there are some of you out there that just don’t get the concept. Below are a few examples of what does NOT qualify as 15 items or less.

1. Multiples of identical items. Your twelve cans of cat food still count as twelve items. Unless the items are packaged together (i.e. toilet paper), you should count each as a separate item.

2. Fifteen items for you, fifteen items for the toddler seated in your cart. Unless the person you’re with is buying their own separate groceries, you can’t divide up your items. It’s not fifteen items per-person.

3. You’re really busy and all the other lines are so long! This doesn’t somehow magically make your 32 items count as 15. There’s a center to this universe and you aren’t it.

What can you do if you find yourself a victim, stuck in the express line behind a person with a cart full of groceries? If you’re like me, you stay quiet and just complain about it on Facebook. Generally I think this is the responsibility of the cashier. It’s their line. They’re ultimately in control and responsible for it. But I do understand most cashiers would rather just avoid the confrontation. They don’t get paid enough to get shanked over groceries. So if you feel moved to do so, you can speak up and say something to the offender. And I promise if you do, you will be the hero of everyone in line behind you. You might even get a few high fives. Or you can abandon your cart and follow them out into the dark parking lot, a little vigilante justice… but I’m not here to endorse violence.

Storytime: One time when I was in line at Wal-Mart and the women in front of me was turned away because she was well over the 20 item limit. The customer tried to argue, but in the end had to turn around and do the grocery store walk of shame to another register. That was one of the happiest days of my life.

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The Most Dangerous Place on Earth

What comes to mind when you think about the most dangerous place on Earth? Mexico? Jamaica? Sudan maybe? We’ve heard countless reports about massacres and major crimes in the countries mentioned above. However, recent evidence is revealing that another region is on the rise of assuming the number one spot as the most dangerous place on Earth. That place is none other than your local Chuck E. Cheese,where sadly, a kid can’t be a kid. I’m not talking about the deadly potential of catching rabies by the loose rat running around the venue. Oh no. I’m talking about these ridiculous brawls and even shootings incited by the adults. Let’s take a look at the video below and see just how many absurdities we can find. Count with me.

1. First thing is first. If you’re one to “keep it real”, please make sure your wig or weave is secure enough to endure a beatdown.

2. Why is the guy trying to fight the manager? These imbeciles were going BEHIND the counter to duke it out. The last thing you need to be doing is threatening innocent bystanders and adding attempted murder on your record.

3. Why was this Jazze Pha looking creaton laughing the whole time? I can understand someone recording if they use it as evidence. But he seemed to think this was as hot as girls mud wrestling in bikinis.

It is my hope that parents and any adult can learn to put aside there differences and allow our children to play in peace. The only thing a child should fear at Chuck E. Cheese are those Zoobilee Zoo reject looking puppets, not a baby mama.

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Elevator Etiquette: The proper and polite way to ride an elevator.

Following the steps below will help us eliminate “Hell”evators.

When you step onto an elevator you are to assume one or two roles. The first being the driver, the first person who steps onto the elevator. The second role is the passenger.

By stepping onto the elevator first, you are taking on the responsibility of all the riders. As the other passengers enter, it’s polite to hold the “Open Door” button or simply put your hand over the door to prevent it from beginning to close on a passenger. Once everyone has safely boarded, ask your passengers what floor they’re going to. Press the proper buttons and your job is done! Exit quickly when you arrive at your destination.

What if you step on the elevator first, but do not want to take on the responsibility? Well first off, stop stepping on the elevator first. But I understand accidents happen, so if you accidentally step on the elevator the least rude thing to do is to press your button and quickly move to the back of the elevator. Abandon the controls and let someone else take over.

Now passengers, just because you’re not the driver doesn’t mean you can be careless and willy-nilly (whatever that means) on the elevator. It’s important to show your driver respect. If your driver asks what floor you’re going to, do NOT reach across their body to hit the button yourself. This is insult. Trust that your drive knows what the number 5 looks like and can press it for you. If your driver does not ask what floor you’re going too and continues to stand in front of the controls, it’s ok to say “Would you please hit 6? Thanks.” (Remember the please and thank you!)

Would-be passengers, this paragraph is for you. If you come across an elevator where the doors have already begun to close DO NOT stick your arm inside to cause the door to re-open. Everyone inside the elevator will hate you and spend the whole ride thinking of ways they could torture you. Just wait for the next elevator.

Lastly, never ever fart in an elevator.

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