Congratulations it’s a beautiful Rolex…..and your baby is over there with the nurse.
It was only two months ago when my cousin informed me of a trend I didn’t know existed: the Push Present where a father gives a lavish gift to mommy to show his gratitude that she carried his child and gave birth. I can’t believe I actually thought that the baby was the gift and a woman would feel loved and appreciated by having Dad help around the house, get anything she needed, be a positive role model and help raise baby to be a great man. Totally wrong. Apparently women want more. They want cars. They want diamonds, not just a 6lb 3oz lump of fleshly DNA. Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari recently gave birth to her spawn Camden Jack, whom I like to call Popeye and received a grey Hermes bag worth over $23,000. Kristin is reported to have said that she cannot wait to expand her family within the next year, right in time for Gucci’s new line of shoes.
This makes me think of motherhood a little differently. I know now I should be expecting more than just a child. But why have just one gift? This gives me an idea. You know I always wanted to have my own business. I could gather a few friends and open an agency tailored to high society. I’ll call it “7 UPS” (Uteruses, Presents, and Sons). Since my uterus is shot I wouldn’t be able to participate but this could totally work. I’d have 7 professional surrogates who are paid for the use of their um….nursery wombs. And I’d have a wish list of items I’d like to receive as an agency fee. You can count on me to provide you with nothing but the best authentic pushes. And to prove it, I’m willing to waive my fee if there are any c-sections involved. If a doctor has to slice, so will my price. Scout’s honor.