Push It Real Good!

Congratulations it’s a beautiful Rolex…..and your baby is over there with the nurse.

Fourth time’s a charm……bracelet

It was only two months ago when my cousin informed me of a trend I didn’t know existed: the Push Present where a father gives a lavish gift to mommy to show his gratitude that she carried his child and gave birth. I can’t believe I actually thought that the baby was the gift and a woman would feel loved and appreciated by having Dad help around the house, get anything she needed, be a positive role model and help raise baby to be a great man. Totally wrong. Apparently women want more. They want cars. They want diamonds, not just a 6lb 3oz lump of fleshly DNA. Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari recently gave birth to her spawn Camden Jack, whom I like to call Popeye and received a grey Hermes bag worth over $23,000. Kristin is reported to have said that she cannot wait to expand her family within the next year, right in time for Gucci’s new line of shoes.

This makes me think of motherhood a little differently.  I know now I should be expecting more than just a child. But why have just one gift?  This gives me an idea. You know I always wanted to have my own business. I could gather a few friends and open an agency tailored to high society. I’ll call it “7 UPS” (Uteruses, Presents, and Sons).  Since my uterus is shot I wouldn’t be able to participate but this could totally work. I’d have 7 professional surrogates who are paid for the use of their um….nursery wombs. And I’d have a wish list of items I’d like to receive as an agency fee.  You can count on me to provide you with nothing but the best authentic pushes. And to prove it, I’m willing to waive my fee if there are any c-sections involved.  If a doctor has to slice, so will my price. Scout’s honor.

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Truly a Dark Night

It’s been such a long wait and the time had finally arrived. I had planned to wait a couple weeks to see the Batman movie with my bestie so that we could get in for free. But it just seemed like a long away off. When another friend of mine said he wanted to go to the midnight showing I got so excited that I invited myself along. Things didn’t work out as planned and so I went to bed with the hopes of seeing it the next day. Well the next day came, but with terrible news. The largest mass shooting in U.S. history occurred in Aurora, Colorado as moviegoers fled for their lives during their midnight screening of The Dark Knight Rises. Media reported that a masked gunman open fire on innocent viewers, who thought the attack was part of the film, which has left at least 12 dead and 58 injured. My stomach sank as I thought this has to be a joke or I’m reading this incorrectly, but I wasn’t. I was so disgusted that I didn’t wanna even hear anything about the film let alone see it. People were dead, and for no reason.

I can understand a home invasion by a thief. I can understand Columbine. Heck, I can even understand 9/11. In no way am I saying those crimes were or are excusable, but if I try to see the reasoning behind them in a sick and twisted perspective, I get it. I’m no professional writer so sometimes I have a hard time expressing myself. Let’s see if I can explain without offending. Usually I don’t mind but I’m not trying to be funny right now. OK, a thief will break into your home to get valuables. Those victimized by bullying snap and feel that killing their tormenters is the best revenge or will make them feel better. Nations feel they’re making a statement or do what they do in the name of God. Whatever the reason, I see how they feel they are gaining some sick satisfaction. I can’t understand this. I thought I’d be safer in a movie theater than my home, than school, than walking the street late at night. But no. And then I remember there’s no way to possibly make sense of a senseless act.
As I sit here writing, I see another story on Yahoo! News that says the film’s premier in France has been cancelled and the cast are on their way back to the States. I can’t imagine how they must be feeling as well. Of course the worst part of it all is that people lost their lives. But this situation reminds me of the terrorist attack during the Olympics in Munich. Like the athletes, the actors worked and trained really hard at their craft for our enjoyment. They deserve to be proud of their finished product and be able to celebrate. But how could they really do that in light of whats happened?  It really is nice to see Hollywood’s finest step down from their pedestal and forget about their fame and fortune out of a respectable interest for those affected by this tragedy. So Bravo to you, Warner Bros. Bravo to director Christopher Nolan and cast.
With that said, after thinking it over, I’ve decided that I will see the film as well. As horrific as this tragedy is, the saying is true that life goes on. We can’t stop what we do out of fear of others. Life is still a blessing and we have to enjoy it. And as bad as things seem now, I’m 100% sure that it won’t always be this way.

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Allow Me to Introduce Myself…..

If you can have dinner with one person dead or alive, who would it be? I’m sure you’ve been asked that question at some point in your lifetime.  If you haven’t, then maybe you’re the dead person someone wants to meet. Celebrities come to my salon all the time. I remain hopeful that one day my job will give me the opportunity to see some of my choices below. I wasn’t impressed with Faye Dunaway or Val Kilmer who walked down 5th Ave looking like the Hamburgular. Anyway, here’s my pick. I’m sure you’ll agree that this list is impressive.

Punky Brewster: I thought she was the best interior decorator as a kid. Her room and tree house still remains one of the dopest designs ever. Who doesn’t want a wheelbarrow as a bed?

Andrew Zimmer and Adam Richman: A couple of A-list food whores who get paid to travel the world to eat. I’d like them to combine the two shows and see who could eat 5 lbs. of brain burritos in 30 min. Oh how I love a man with an appetite.

Oprah: Know how the sick woman just touched the fringe of Jesus’ garments and she was healed? Oh I forgot you don’t read the Bible, but it happened. Well maybe if I just catch a glimpse of Her Majesty, some of her rich will rub off on me.

Sarah Silverman: There’s more to this girl than her hilarious racist and doody jokes. Her bestselling book “The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee” gives insight into her childhood struggles. Yet despite her traumatic experiences, her humor remains intact. What does this teach me?  That I’m not the only sick weirdo laughing at funerals.

Jem and the Holograms: SW who? Destiny’s what? Those girls ain’t got nothing on these ladies. A truly outrageous band who paved the way for female artists, and Tupac’s 2012 Coachella performance.

Adam and Eve: Wouldn’t say a word. I’d just punch them dead in their face.

Egbert Marriott: I’ve seen three pictures of grandfather and wondered what it would’ve been like to have met him. After my grandmother’s, funeral while gathered together with family, I asked my aunt if Grandpa would’ve liked me.  With full confidence she said “of course NOT! Not with your foolishness.” Sounds like he would’ve been the perfect person to victimize.

Prince: December 15, 2010 was one of the most memorable moments of my life when I finally got the chance to see his royal badness live at Madison Square Garden. I looked like a total groupie jumping up and down, crying, and screaming my heart out. I actually bit my friend’s shoulder because I got so caught up in the moment. Prince: the greatest musician of all time and the only man who can wear stilettos, a glittery cape, finger waves, and I ask no questions.

Shiloh and Zahara Jolie-Pitt: These two girls are my heroes. They know how to party. I could totally see us getting along and having a great time. Shiloh takes crap from no one. Including Brad! And big sister Zahara is just waiting for a Black role model like me to enter into her life. True I don’t know much about Africa but I can teach her loads about a comb.

And my number one pick…………..

Johnny Depp: I have loved this guy from Jump! (Pun intended). Not only are his acting skills phenomenal, but everyone I know who has met him agrees with the countless reports that he is one of the humblest and nicest people ever! If only everyone else in Hollywood could be like JD.

Now I pose the question again and tell me your answer. If you had a chance to meet anyone, who would it be?

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My Sister, My Hero, My Alcoholic

Pass the Courvoisier

I know what you’re thinking: who’s the Black Cambodian in the picture? Cute huh? Sorry to disappoint you but she’s not Cambodian. She is however a raging alcoholic and also my sister.  That tight eyed beauty and I have been great friends for the last 10 years. She was always a good sibling but because of the age difference we didn’t hang out too much as you can imagine. While I was trying to decorate my Cherry Merry Muffin Bake Shop, Zoe (as we call her) was giving a report in her Participation in Government class. Yea, that big of a gap.  But when I entered college and was granted the go ahead to get my drink on by the government, she and I have been closer than a supermodel and two fingers. I don’t know if the friendship developed because she and I could now talk on a level that wasn’t there before or because I could now get her drinks if the bartender refused to serve her. Look at her with that glass in her hand. You would’ve thought she just won the lottery or a trip to Hawaii. Nope. Someone just bought her another round. But anything free would make me giddy as well. In any case, our close relationship was worth the wasted years and $10,000 bill from university.

I remember it like it was yesterday. The scream from the other end of the phone when I told her I was accepted into NYU. I can’t believe I just played myself and actually typed NYU. That just shows you my wishful thinking. I was accepted into LIU CW Post, which was still a great school but nowhere near NYU status. Anyway, we stopped at Target to get some items I’d need in the dorm before arriving to the campus. As I walked through the corridors of Riggs Hall, I realized I wasn’t the only one excited about my new adventure ahead of me. Zoe was beaming at the thought of us being so close to each other now that I moved downstate. Not just cuz she was thrilled of being a part of this new chapter in my life, but she now had a free babysitter for her 3 year old who hated my guts at the time.

Those semesters made up the best years (or year I should say) of my life. I still hold on to the memories I had with Zo. Like the time she allowed me to skip class to hang with her for the weekend while the hubby and kid went to ATL. The drives to Albany where a cop would stop us for SOMETHING and I’d feed her rice and beans. There was also the album release of Diary of Alicia Keys and Da Band’s Too Hot For TV. Uh huh. That’s right. DA BAND! Cuz we LOVE taking Dylan’s money. Then there was the late night death threat prank calls from Miss Mad (my 91 yr. old grandmother who was bored) and the feeling of acceptance I got when she’d take me everywhere introducing me to her friends Sam, Heather, Ant, Brian and more.  And how could I ever forget the time she bought me a brand new coat after I nearly died of hypothermia waiting an hour for the bus in November in a hooded sweatshirt.  I could go on and on about the times we’ve laughed together but I’m tired of typing and I gotta clean my house.

I’m not doing big things and while I talk about celebrities and exciting stuff at my job, there’s no glitz and glamour. I struggle to live a decent, yet very simple life in NYC. And had it not been for my dear sister who has been a great support system for the last decade teaching me how to grow as a professional and an adult, I’d probably still be……well, who knows. But no matter how old I get, a fart or doody joke will always be at the tip of my tongue waiting to whisper something sweet in her ear.

P.S.

I’ve just been informed my Zoe has entered into the Betty Ford clinic. One day a time sis. One day at a time. This is it!

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But Uh-Oh Those Summer Nights

HELP ME!

Please do not be misled. This entry has nothing to do with Grease or my undying love for Olivia Newton-John, but rather my pure hatred for the summer season. Not only are the children out of school and able to happily roam the streets during the day, but the heat is absolutely unbearable. You see that guy over there in the pic? That is LITERALLY me. Like, literally. Crazy! And you know, I wondered what it would be like to grow up in my mother’s homeland and experience the memories of Jamaica that my family shares with me. But it’s been a while since those thoughts crossed my mind. No way could I have survived in the hot weather. I don’t know what caused the Great Marriott Migration, but I am forever indebted to my grandmother.

As I type I have two fans directly on me blowing nothing but hot air. My friend gave me a free air conditioner and my cousin drove me to the Bronx to bring it back to Brooklyn. Now that the hard part is out the way and I’m so close to having a bit of happiness, I learn that there needs to be a proper installation. Apparently you just can’t sit it in the sill and shut the window. A drill is needed. OF COURSE A DRILL! Because every 29yr old girl who lives alone keeps a drill! I should’ve been born with some kind of tolerance for this season. Ma’s from the Caribbean, I was born late August in Jamaica…….Queens but still .I don’t believe in karma but I may be being punished for something.

This just can’t be right. Last night I took a shower with nothing but cold water and it was beautiful. As soon as I shut it off, I’m dried  I sleep with the fans on and a spray bottle in my hand. Throughout the night I pull the trigger and refill just so I’m able to breathe. I swear I actually thought the cat was on fire because the heat was that bad. The house smelled like something was cooking.

I’m not one to rant or complain. Actually, yes I am. But dear summer, I ask that you leave as quickly as you came. Take your rays, humidity, 98 degrees and shove it until October. I’d say more to you but I’ve got to call 911 because I’m having heat stroke. Happy now?

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Chris and Rihanna: A Smack Made In Heaven?

20120222-212556.jpg

A little over a week ago the 54th Annual Grammy Awards aired on CBS. I don’t usually watch the program but tuned in to see any tributes to Whitney who tragically died the night before. Surprisingly, I enjoyed the show. My favorite performances were Adele and Chris Brown, both of whom walked away with the gold-plated gramophone. As I watched, the internet was flooded with tweets from celebrities outraged that Brown was allowed to perform. That night it was reported that the two had reconciled, though we don’t know to what extent. While I have my thoughts regarding the two from that horrific night three years ago, I’ve never taken any sides regarding the situation, and I still won’t. But just like any court case one may follow, you have thoughts based upon what you’ve heard and seen. A few stories ago, I wrote about my disappointment in Chris Brown. Today, I write about my disappointment in Rihanna.

Many viewers were pleased with Brown’s attendance at the Grammy’s even feeling that he “redeemed” himself after his performance and winning his award. But a high energy Q-Bert inspired routine and receiving high accolades isn’t the way to prove you are sorry for your errors, especially when they are made against someone else. I do feel, though, that it was ok for him to perform that night. What he did was a disgrace, but no different from mistakes that others have done in the past. Jack Osbourne was one of the stars in protest of Chris at the Grammy’s. But remember, Ozzy  knocked out two of Sharon’s front teeth and almost choked her to death. Yes, Oz did go to rehab and changed his life around. But how long was he on that road to destruction before seeking guidance? The two had a successful reality show on MTV and are one of rock and roll’s favorite marriages. What about the drug crazed tiger blood Charlie Sheen who broke a twitter record in one day? A man who is infamous for battering women, even “accidentally” shooting his then fiancée Kelly Preston, now had one million followers. Let’s look at Hollywood director Roman Polanski who in 1977 drugged and raped a 13-year-old girl and fled the country to avoid prison time. In 2002, his film The Pianist, was nominated for numerous awards and he walked away with an Oscar for Best Director. How is it fair for Chris to be crucified for actions that he made at 19 when these men also committed major crimes in their 30s and 40s? I’m sorry but I refuse to put him on a list next to Ike and OJ and refer to every domestic case as “Browning”.

Now I want to turn my attention to Rihanna and comment on her perplexing conduct. This thuggish, gun loving, nympho-like behavior and desire to be Hollywood’s top bad girl leads me to believe that she has some serious underlying issues as well. Someone who was a victim of brutality should be more apt to shun images of violence or abuse. Instead, she seems to romanticize it. Music is used to express your feelings and tell your story. But it’s one that seems to be told in every new release, like she’s obsessed with it. The remix to “Birthday Cake” featuring Chris Brown is DISGUSTING and very degrading. I’m all for reconciliation but this is not what I had in mind. It’s sick. In her interview with Diane Sawyer, she said she was happy that it happened to her because now she could help girls in that situation. And then in another breath when she was criticized for her “Man Down” video, said she didn’t want to be a role model. Well which is it? If you want to go about doing things your way not caring what people think, then go ahead. It’s actually a sad thing when people don’t care about how they are perceived. But if she does in fact want to help girls, she has to learn to set a better example. Regarding their relationship, Roseanne Barr said “…..Rihanna is violent too and that is one of the reasons why she is back with Chris Brown. She thinks she has him right where she wants him now. His career is over, and he is working her to help him get it back. She thinks that since he needs her and has shown some contrition that she can call the shots now. Violent people are control freaks, and she thinks she is in control right now. Violent couples also have passionate make up sex, and that keeps a lot of battered and beaten women hooked. Once she realizes that her fans and their parents are going to write her off completely and end her career as well as his if she stays with him that might convince her not to do that.”

That makes a lot of sense to me. I am in no way saying that she deserved what happened to her, but is it possible she had some responsibility that caused it? In his statement to the police, Chris said he retaliated after she flew into a physical frenzy while he was driving. There are people, reliable sources who I  know, who’ve witnessed Rihanna slapping him and mushing his head, saying that they were both guilty of abusing each other. It’s not a thought I’ve dismissed since I’ve worked with celebrities and others in the industry. I can tell you that there is a method of deception to maintaining their stardom. Did she use this incident to sabotage his career? Yes he ruined it himself when he violated her. But to have him featured on her album and inviting him to her party after people stood behind her and boycotted him is sort of a slap in the face.

While violence against women is prevalent in this world, a man is not guilty in every case. Sadly, there are women who will manipulate or even lie in order to get revenge on a man knowing it can destroy his life. Women have to realize that abuse goes both ways. It’s not right to demand equality when you aren’t giving it yourself. Just because you may not be as strong as your mate, it doesn’t give you the right to antagonize or lay a finger on him. You don’t know what button you could push to set someone off. And if you’re going to act like a man against another, be prepared for the repercussions. But men, don’t think I’m giving you a free pass either. You still need to walk away. All I’m saying is, sometimes both sides have to take responsibility. Who is to say that Chris is a liar when he said she was beating him first? I’ve come to the conclusion that both of them are crazy.

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want it. If they date again, she’ll have to deal with the consequences if there are any. They don’t need to get close to each other as they are doing now, but it is healthy for them to make peace. She has forgiven him and kudos to her. We all talk about wanting Chris to get help for his issues. This is a start. Forgiveness from the person he hurt the most is a tremendous step. Just because it’s not something we’d do, it doesn’t make her a stupid girl. In fact it makes her the bigger person. He still needs to take time out of the spotlight for rehabilitation. Do I think he has a temper? Yes. Do I think he’s an ignorant young man who has a lot of growing up to do? YES! Do I think he is a violent guy? I don’t know. I think Brown is a confused boy caught up in the cycle of abuse who can avoid becoming a dangerous person with some severe counseling. I just hope he doesn’t do anything to make me have to write another story changing my words again.

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Houston, We Have a Problem!

Whitney Houston

Over the weekend, the world was shocked to hear that legendary singer Whitney Houston had died. While an official autopsy report has not yet been released, many are assuming that the Pop Queen’s death was due to an overdose. News stations and tabloids immediately began covering the story which spoke of her incredible talent and also her downfall. At the same time my Facebook home page was flooded with status updates. Some were posting their favorite videos, remembering the first time they performed “The Greatest Love of All”, and expressing their feelings of anger that people are remembering Whitney for her addiction instead of being a great person. While her death is heartbreaking and a tragedy, it does bring up an issue that I’ve always wanted to write about: judgment.

No matter how much we want to say we don’t do it, the truth of the matter is everyone judges. It is something we’ve been taught to do since we were children, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. We were to use our judgment to choose our friends wisely; to leave a situation when that gut feeling is telling you something is wrong; and the list could go on and on. There’s a famous saying that goes “Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are”. It’s a phrase that many people agree with and tend to not realize it is about judging others.

No one was really shocked when Amy Winehouse died. Sadly, it was just a matter of time. And if what happened to Whitney happened to Lindsay, people would say the same. In my opinion it’s unhealthy to ignore the fact that Whitney may have killed herself with drugs. Megastars are held in such lofty positions where they can do no wrong. They aren’t surrounded by people who are looking after their best interest. As long as they get through the recording, make us laugh, bring in the cash, who cares? Wrongful behavior is ignored, rewarded, admired and that may be a reason of why she never really owned up to her problem.

It’s almost impossible to write a story about Whitney without discussing her erratic behavior. Her bizarre antics unfortunately began receiving more attention than her powerful voice. The same people who are saying that Whitney needs to be remembered for being one of the greatest people of all time are the same people who have never met her. They are judging her as well, just from a different angle. Just because she gave us great songs and movies doesn’t mean she was necessarily a person deserving high honor. And it kills me how these same people are blaming Bobby for her problems when it is widely known that Whitney had a wild behavior before she even met him. It is also said that she was the one who introduced hardcore drugs to him. But because she is the bigger star with the biggest hits, biggest account, and beautiful face, it won’t be seen that way. Take away everything that she has accumulated and she’d be a woman you’d probably never let your child around and wondering how she still has hers.

I don’t want you guys thinking that I’m hating on Whitney because I’m not. I believe you could be a good person who makes bad mistakes. I believe that you can learn a valuable lesson from her situation and still miss her dearly. It’s times like these that I think of two little girls I’m especially close to. They need to realize that bad decisions don’t necessarily make a person bad and good deeds don’t make someone good. I want them to understand the importance of making right choices throughout their lives. Yes, we all make mistakes. But Whitney did more than make a mistake. She lived a lifestyle that caused her to lose respect for herself and from others; a lifestyle that had people ridiculing her; a lifestyle that she began passing on to her daughter. She didn’t pass away. She died. There’s a difference. If you don’t want people firing at you, you can’t give them ammunition. Someone once said to me that everyone has at least three names: your surname that you inherit from your family, your first name that your parents give you, and the one you make for yourself. So ask yourself, if you were gone today, what would people say about you?

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